2000 and Thin: DAY 53: BREAKDOWN & HORMONAL IMBALANCE

Coming home from High Street last Tuesday, that was around 1am i think, I was able to hang out with mom in her parlor room and we did some catching up. She asked how I was and basically, all these negative thoughts and feelings started pouring out of me. From my depression at work, my lack of fulfillment, to my withdrawal from RENT, to my having second thoughts on moving to New York, to what I want to do with my life, to being depressed at random points of the day for no apparent reason, to being lonely, and to feeling lost and alone... basta... everything came out. Then mom started forming this confused look on her face. Parang ang dami dami naman ng problema ko sa buhay. She couldn't spell them out in her head the way they were all crumbling down inside of me. I also told her that earlier today, I ordered salad from S and R but after two bites, I started to gag as though I was gonna throw up. The same thing happened at night, and at random points of the day.

Then she had a light bulb moment and said something that really hit me, I'm becoming hormonally imbalanced because of my diet. I've lost 30 pounds in 2 months, and usually people like that undergo depression daw. Siyempre coz food was my true love. and it was taken from me. She also underwent depression when she lost 30 pounds too.

Fast forward - - - the next day I woke up at 730am so I can squeeze in a morning jog before going to work. Mom entered my room and asked me to say hi to dad so he can see me at my 196 (195 after jogging)-pound state. He saw me and said I looked good and was proud of me for what I had accomplished in less than two months. Then as I was heading out, mom asked me if I had eaten breakfast since I promised her I'd have breakfast the day before.

Next thing you know, i started getting teary-eyed... Mom said, why are you getting teary-eyed? Then I started to bawl and cry my heart out, parang nervous breakdown. It was so random, unexplainable, and weird. I was crying so hard to the point of making hagulgol... then I went to my room to curl up and cry in my bed. Mom followed and she was consoling me and stroking my hair and was telling me to put my 2000 and Thin plan on hold because it was affecting my mental health. my diet was making me depressed. I was inconsolable, it was like I was sinking fast into the depths of oblivion, into a downward spiral.

Finally, I decided to pick myself up and exercise so I'd generate some endorphins to balance this out. I called Amador and said I won't be going to work first because I'm a wreck - an emotional wreck. When i went inside my bathroom to change, I took one good look at myself in the mirror. Then I started to cry again... inconsolably - para akong binugbog - it's like I was beaten up. Like the whole world fell on my shoulders. I gave Macky a call, and I was basically crying to her and I didn't know why I was crying. And she couldn't help but laugh at me. But I was crying profusely and inconsolably. Then I was laughing narin at some point, then I was crying again. Holy shit, My hormones are fucked up!

I decided to take a leave from work and just sorta take it easy to normalize myself again from the repercussions of 2000 and Thin. I joined my family for lunch at Sakura and Ate's kids helped me forget about my anxieties in the best way that they could. After which, I went to Polo to read a book and sort of make muni-muni by the Cogons. It was nice - I was reading this book called Chasing Daylight, chronicling the last 100 days of a man who was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. I read until all these conyo kids started coming and my peace was ultimately disrupted. I decided to go home and take a nap.

Tamang tama when I woke up, some friends were in the area and we all decided to hang out before I had to leave for Katipunan to catch Blue Rep's Zanna Don't with Robbie and Peachy. We were there for quite some time but I ended up staying in Makati nalang since Cara had to settle something on the phone and she was taking quite a while. I'm watching Zanna tonight instead.

Afterwards, we visited Gian and Sheree who were with their son Haley in Claw Daddy at Bonifacio High Street. We were bonding and laughing like hyenas. Haley is the cutest lil' boy. Feeling ko manyak at sabaw rin yung paglaki, parang si Gian. Haha. We ended up moving to my pad after to hang and watch the winning pick, Beautician and the Beast. Haha. Nakakatawa.

We also saw half of Booba before everyone had to go. Basically, yesterday was a rollercoaster. It started really bad - not to mention that I thought I was being junked by Philippine Star since I saw the new lineup of Young Star, and it didn't include my name. Apparently, I'm being moved to the culture and arts section every Monday... No biggie. As long as I still have an outlet on which to write. But it is cause for alarm. Am I getting too old for Young Star? It's weird coz for Status, I write about streetwear culture, and I essentially market Boys Teens so I think I'm still in the market. I dunno. This just means I have to up my game because I'll be writing alongside Kryp Yuson, Pen Medina, and all those respected arts and culture writers.

The day started at a low note and ended on a sleepy high note coz I was dozing off during both movies. Friends really do provide the perfect picker-upper. I wouldn't know what to do without them.

WHAT I ATE TODAY:
Breakfast:
Half an omelet
Half a slice of bread