Friday, March 5, 2010

DAY 54: Repression Depression

Generally lackluster about life now. It's also made me chill in a way - which I like because my personality has always polarized towards the loud a.d.d. side - but I feel like a ticking bomb ready to explode any minute. Here we go again... another work day, another long work day from 9 to 645 Mondays to Saturdays. Lately, I've been dragging my feet to the office - generally not enthused, uninspired, and waiting 'til I can finally leave. It's that bad. I used to stay at work til the late hours of the night. I used to work even as I got home. Work got me through. I was obsessed with it. I re-channeled my passion towards work. It was my lifeblood. But now...

I have lost the will to work. I doubt on whether or not I should stay, and question whether this is the right place for me, or the right thing to do... I came to learn but when my learning has plateau-d, when the challenge is no longer there, my soul becomes restless, uneasy, sad and now I'm some bird trying to get out of its cage.

Obviously, job satisfaction is really low. I need a challenge. And Robbie put it oh-so-right last night when I joined him at Mag:net High Street to catch SPIT. My soul is hungry. My soul is very hungry. He says I need to do a production. And quite frankly,  I haven't been feeding it for quite awhile now. I used to compensate for it by feeding my body. But now that it's not being fed, my soul is acting up - and quite literally, it shakes me to the core. I am always in the thick of my thoughts, emotions running in opposite directions, and my mind and my heart are perpetually aching. There's something wrong in this whole picture.

There's this concept of fantasy that been getting me through these past few months. But when you see it face to face with reality, you can't seem to reconcile the polar opposites - and you're left with what's there in front of you. Unsettling. Next to Normal. Okay lang. But that's just it. That's what I've been for the past two years - okay lang. neither here nor there. Stuck. And now that I've seen the light, i'm no longer okay with being "okay lang."

I wanna get out of here.

I need to sojourn and do some soul-searching.


Lunch (Aristocrat)
Mango Shake
Slices of Adobo Flying Saucer
2 pcs. Grilled Chicken Barbecue
1/3 cup of java rice


Ariel and Dingdong :)
MIssy and Dingdong :)
:) hip happening Happy with Ken.
Santi and Anna: the 3'o clock habit
Hogi Peachy and Robbiekinz. Glad you feel better Robbie.


Morning Weight:
207.5 pounds

Evening Weight:
205.5 pounds

-2000 and Thin

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