Friday, February 5, 2010


That's exactly what I feel... stuck. I'm neither here nor there. I'm caught in the middle of all the booby traps I set up for myself. I've become stoic I think. In not allowing myself to feel or to be in the moment with anything in my life, hoisting this wall so high that I can't even climb out of it anymore, or break it down, I've become I'm in some form of an emotional rut. Sometimes, I don't feel anything at all. 

I try to bury myself with work but work doesn't seem to be cutting it for me anymore. In the midst of all these changes going on with my life, work, personal, and the like, and my constant exposure to what could be, to what makes me really happy, it's like I'm rotting, and self-deprecating. I feel like my true passion is right there in front of me... but I keep turning away from it. I keep telling myself I'm happy doing what I do... and maybe I'm happy. But maybe I'm not happy. Maybe i'm sad in happy's clothing.  

Sometimes, you need to feel a sense of urgency to stay on what you do because well... you need to do it to survive. In that I don't have to worry about surviving because I live a pretty comfortable life, I become complacent - living and breathing a devil may care approach on life.

Day by day, I'm starting to realize... I'm not happy. My happiness has been superficial, or controlled of late. And that very thought makes me wonder if, given all the choices that I've made thus far, am I even capable of being truly happy at all? 

And see... all this ranting is the exact same thing I said yesterday. Definitely going around in circles... don't you feel like you're in a prison sometimes? You can't get out. And you're just... well... stuck.


- 3/4 cup red rice
- Szechuan Fish w/ Onions and Shiitake

- 1 Bottle of Soymilk

- none


Guess who watched RENT ABS CBN FOUNDATION NIGHT show today? Jovie and Schnae - two people I haven't seen in ages. It's like that time that Ayo came over the house and was like some blast from the past. I haven't seen these guys in ages but I feel somewhat connected to them still. We all had a shared history from high school to college and there's a comfort level there somewhere that you can harness anytime. It was really nice seeing and smoking with them.

- 1/2 bottle of San Mig Light

- 15 minutes of treadmill. ayayay

205 pounds

204 pounds

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